


the anatomy of a hot pocket

by kvchou (tohama)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Sexual Jokes, aoba johsai, god bless yahaba, i miss seijoh, mattsun pines for makki, oooooohhhh seijohhhhhh, they curse a lot i'm warning you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:01:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26639245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tohama/pseuds/kvchou
Summary: "Oikawa, you dumb fuck," Mattsun says, taking the Hot Pocket out of the microwave and proceeding to deepthroat it."Excuse me?" Oikawa gasps dramatically. "You're literally sucking off a Hot Pocket!""So?" Makki realized he had been staring at Mattsun deepthroating the Hot Pocket for the past minute or so. Hopefully, no one noticed.-alternatively called, "the dumb stuff we do to annoy iwaizumi"
Relationships: Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Implied Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru - Relationship
Comments: 17
Kudos: 118





	the anatomy of a hot pocket

**Author's Note:**

> please do not take this seriously i have bad writer's block and it was an attempt to try and force myself out of it
> 
> i am so sorry
> 
> there is no official end for this fic it is. So late

There was nothing more that Iwaizumi Hajime wanted then a day to himself, and perhaps an exclusive Godzilla figure from the toy store a few blocks away. Being friends with Oikawa Tooru, Hanamaki Takahiro, and Matsukawa Issei assured him that he would not have another free day for years.

Aoba Johsai's infamous volleyball team was lucky enough to have every Monday off from practice; this was a rule set in stone just this year, thanks to the endless begging and persuading of the one and only Oikawa Tooru. "Irihata-san," he remarked after a specifically tiring day of practice, "I think we should cancel practice on Mondays. After all, I have to go to Takeru's volleyball class, and I'm sure the rest of the team needs refreshing, vitalizing self-care! It's all I request."

"Self-care time, _my ass_ ," Hanamaki Takahiro whispered (loudly) to Matsukawa Issei, his best friend and his ride-or-die. They were taking down the volleyball net and staring at Oikawa's non-existent ass. "We all know that he'll spend that time to watch weird alien videos."

"Like, explicit alien videos," Matsukawa wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, biting his lip and trying not to laugh.

"You know it, Mattsun."

It turns out they weren't entirely wrong. Of course, Oikawa didn't spend that time watching questionable videos of aliens, but he certainly didn't utilize it for "refreshing, vitalizing self-care". He was spending that time at Iwaizumi's house and raiding his cupboard for secret stashes of milk bread. Hajime didn't really mind. Oikawa was his best friend and they spent all their time together- why wouldn't he allow Tooru to come over to his house? Well, _Tooru_ did not tell Iwaizumi that he invited Makki and Mattsun over to hang out too. _Tooru_ didn't tell Iwaizumi that Makki and Mattsun were planning to bring twenty boxes of pepperoni pizza-flavored Hot Pockets.

"We had extra!" Mattsun cried, feigning innocence as Makki proceeded to throw a box at Oikawa. The latter screeches in exaggerated pain and attempts to beat up Makki with his skinny arms, which earns a teasing smirk from the outside hitter. "It's not like we could've given them to the team, Iwaizumi. I swear Yahaba is vegan, he looks like such a twink."

(Yahaba was, in fact, not a vegan. The twink part was debatable.)

"So you're telling me that somehow, you got twenty boxes of Hot Pockets, and instead of donating them to people who need it, you brought them to me," Iwaizumi raises an eyebrow, crossing his arms and letting his biceps flex just a bit because honestly, he was one of the only people that deserved to show off their arms. He didn't spend two hours a day working out for nothing, you know.

"Uh, yeah. That's literally what I just said." 

"IWA-CHAN!!" was all he heard, and Iwaizumi turns to expect a demon or something. Oh, it was just Oikawa, who was practically a demon on his own. "We should cook some of these! It'll be fun," Oikawa smiles a shit-eating grin and falls to his knees, hugging Iwaizumi's knees. "Please, please, please.."

"Oh my god. It looks like he's giving him head," Matsukawa snickers, almost immediately whipping out his phone to take pictures and send them to the Aoba Johsai group chat. It wasn't like the group chat was active; usually, Makki and Mattsun used it to spam random memes and annoy Kunimi while he was trying to sleep. "Time to ruin more of Kindaichi's innocence."

"Does he even know what giving head is?" Hanamaki asks, snapping his fingers. Kindaichi was quite immature for his age; not that anyone minded, though. He was the baby of the team. "The kid's never even flirted with a girl before."

"Guess we'll have to show him... using drawings, of course. Nothing suggestive. Just drawings."

"Erm.. right."

"Fucking FINE." Iwaizumi growls and kicks Oikawa in the gut with no hesitation whatsoever. "Go to the kitchen or some shit. Stop being annoying and leave me alone, Shittykawa." He angrily stomps away in his Godzilla slippers, looking like a whole-ass toddler.

Makki and Mattsun shrug at each other before leaving Oikawa on the ground crying and pleading for someone to save him.

-

The duo unbox all of the Hot Pockets relatively quickly, thanks to a pair of scissors and Matsukawa's abnormally long fingers. They worked in comfortable silence, Makki occasionally humming to fill the room with some sort of noise, and soon enough, three hundred Hot Pockets sat on Iwaizumi's counter.

"Okay, so now what," Makki asks, fiddling with his hands. "We obviously can't microwave all of these before 3 am. Also, Iwaizumi's going to kill us, and I don't think I want to be killed by Iwaizumi. Well I would gladly let him step on me with those sexy Godzilla slippers. He's probably stepped on Oiks with them before. Oh, to be Oikawa Tooru. Mattsun, are you even listening?" He hesitates and looks up again. "Matsuk-"

Mattsun was currently holding up a Hot Pocket and staring at it intently, lips pursed. "Hey, Makki, how long do you think this is?"

"Why do you need to kn-" the pink-haired teen starts to say, before groaning. Sometimes, he did truly think that Matsukawa was a bit more stupid than he was. How did he even think of these things? "Oh, _no_ , Mattsun, I am not letting you do that shit. Wouldn't it hurt? Also, it's literally a piece of microwave food."

"Well, I'd be the first to do it, right? I'd be in the books for life." Mattsun leans against the counter, smiling wistfully and closing his eyes. He runs a hand through his black curls, which Makki finds to be quite attractive for a guy like Matsukawa. "Think about it, Makki! The first guy to fuck a Hot Pocket!"

"Did someone say fuck?" Oikawa purrs, walking in right on time. Iwaizumi enters behind him, still clad in Godzilla slippers like a total dork. Mattsun shapes his hands like claws and makes a small "roar" noise. Iwaizumi holds up the middle finger in response and glares at the middle blocker with every ounce of anger he could summon at the moment.

"Uh, not exactly, but-" Makki stops short and stares at Oikawa's leg. "Oiks, are you limping? What's wrong?"

"Funny story!" Oikawa starts to eagerly explain his limping but Iwaizumi slaps a hand over his mouth. "Okay, never mind," he says, voice slightly muffled.

Makki is suspicious, and turns to heat up one of their multiple Hot Pockets in the microwave. The sound of the microwave whirring fills the room. "Uh, don't tell me you guys- y'know." He bites the inside of his cheek and smiles widely. "The deed. The act that shall not be spoken. The forbidden. The dirty."

"Ew, the fuck?" Iwaizumi interrupts him, rolling his eyes and leaning against the counter. He jerks a thumb towards Oikawa, a judgemental look on his features. "Why would I do it with him? Also, no, he's not limping because we did anything. He's limping because the idiot fell down the stairs in the attic, I can't believe it."

"Oikawa, you dumb fuck," Mattsun says, taking the scorching Hot Pocket out of the microwave and proceeding to aggressively deepthroat it. 

"Excuse me?" Oikawa gasps dramatically and shoots a look of disbelief at Mattsun. "You're literally sucking off a Hot Pocket!"

"So?" Mattsun shrugs. _Damn, he's really getting into that_ , Makki thinks to himself. He realized he had been staring at Mattsun deepthroating the Hot Pocket for the past minute or so. Hopefully, no one noticed.

"Hot Pockets don't have dicks, you dumbasses," Iwaizumi groans. Everyone is blessed to hear it.

"And how would you know, Iwa-chan?" Oikawa whips his head around to face the shorter. He crosses his arms impatiently and taps his chin with an extreme amount of concentration. "You have no proof. Unless, you've actually seen a Hot Pocket's reproductive parts? Or, you're simply spreading false information. Who knows, Iwa-chan? Exactly, I don't think.."

"I hate this fucking friend group," Iwaizumi mutters under his breath, retreating to the living room.

-

It took them around two hours to heat up all of the Hot Pockets- Oikawa's idea to use the oven as well helped reduce the time. Soon enough, all four third-years were relaxing on Iwaizumi's couch, trays of Hot Pockets sitting on the table in his dining room. Iwaizumi was sitting on one end of the couch, Oikawa collapsing onto his legs. Makki and Mattsun were focusing on the television, playing Just Dance 2018. They were currently in the middle of DDU-DU DDU-DU by BLACKPINK. Neither of them seemed to be giving up, sweat dripping down Mattsun's forehead, Makki occasionally attempting to trip Mattsun onto the ground relentlessly. 

It was one of the most interesting things Oikawa had seen, second only to a video of Kageyama in first grade.

"You've done that song 4 times already," Oikawa inquires, looking through his phone. "I think that I've heard it enough, I can sing it by heart."

"SO WHAT," they both replied, and Oikawa winces.

Iwaizumi adds, "We have five trays of warm Hot Pockets and you're worried about beating each other in a video game? Yikes."

"Ok, fine. What do you suggest we do with the Hot Pockets?" Matsukawa turns to glare at Iwaizumi.

He glares back. "You're the one that brought them over."

The room goes silent, the two boys staring each other down and Oikawa clears his throat. "Well, there's gotta be some way to get rid of these hot pockets. We always find a way, don't we? Even through bad times and through good times as well, somehow, we always pull through. I know there's a lot of those Hot Pockets and only a few of us but I know we can do it."

They turn to look at him, Makki laughing after a few moments. "God, Oiks, that was so damn cheesy."

"Here's a good idea!! What about you shut up!!"

Though, Oikawa's abnormally motivational speech helped them brainstorm what to do with the excess Hot Pockets. Mattsun suggested they mail them to someone's house, while Makki proposed they make a castle out of Hot Pockets. It went back and forth like this for a while (Oikawa occasionally throwing in an idea or two), until Iwaizumi looked up from his phone.

"What if we just.. eat them. Then we can give the others to some of the members on our team. Wasn't it Watari's birthday like a week ago?" he hums, eyes still locked onto a particularly interesting video of a dog. Iwaizumi was a dog person, if you didn't already know. Also, he was allergic to cats. What a loser.

"Hm. Simple and sweet. I like it." Mattsun glances over at Makki beside him, raising his eyebrows. "What do you say, Makki? It's a pretty good plan, yeah?"

Makki tilts his head and shrugs. "Sure. If we have leftovers we can always just throw them at Kyoutani's house."

Oikawa huffs and rests his head on Iwaizumi's shoulder in a totally no-homo way, because that's all they were. Just friends. Yep. Not boyfriends. Childhood friends. Nothing more. "Why can't we do normal things? Like. Shoplifting."

"Are you fucking kidding me," Iwaizumi groans again (Oikawa thanks the gods above) and nudges the brunette on his shoulder. Looks like Oikawa had no intention of leaving any time soon. "Shoplifting isn't normal, dumbass. It's illegal. You're so stupid."

"No, you're just boring."

Iwaizumi shoves him off the couch.

"Right, well, how many Hot Pockets can each of us eat? I can eat, like six. Oikawa too, probably," Makki tries to plan the math out in his head. "Okay, so in total, we can all finish two boxes of Hot Pockets. That leaves us with two hundred seventy Hot Pockets left. Damn, there's no way we'll be able to give someone that many Hot Pockets."

"We'll deliver seventy of those, and then we'll throw two hundred Hot Pockets at Kyoutani's house," Oikawa chirps while still lying on the ground. "Easy peasy."

Matsukawa narrows his eyes. "Are we really going to trust the alien enthusiast?"

Oikawa smiles. "Are we really going to trust the only person in the room with bushy eyebrows and greasy hair? Gosh, pick a struggle, Mattsun~! Let alone, your outfits are horrible and you look like you just came out of a dumpster. Even Iwa-chan has better fashion sense than you, and Iwa-chan has Godzilla on the brain 24/7! Oh, not to mention, you're built like a whole giraffe. The zoo is that way, since you're clearly lost. Let's not forget that you deepthroated a Hot Pocket approximately two hours and twenty-six minutes ago because you're too touch-starved to admit to your own best friend that you've had a crush on him since your first year! Clearly, you didn't think this through. I pity you, Eyebrows. Maybe next time, you'll actually listen to my advice instead of passing it off as that dumb thing you call 'humor'. Isn't that right, Mattsun? Don't you agree?"

"Okay, that hurt," Matsukawa mumbles, standing up and going to sit down next to Hanamaki on the other side of the couch. Makki pats his shoulders with a very pitiful smile.

Iwaizumi finally starts paying attention and rubs his eyes. "Yo? What just happened? Why does Mattsun look like he just got his hopes and dreams crushed by a guy that has a self-esteem level of zero who also happens to cover his low self-esteem with a developed superiority complex when in reality he believes he's inferior to almost all players of his caliber?"

"What is wrong with you two and random speeches out of nowhere?" Makki grumbles, smacking his forehead.

-

It didn't take long to deliver seventy Hot Pockets, thanks to the younger Aoba Johsai underclassmen.

Despite Mattsun's belief, Yahaba was NOT a twink and gladly took twenty of the Hot Pockets. (He also warned Mattsun to keep his window shut. Y'know. Just in case.) Watari happened to have his family over at his house and took thirty of the remaining Hot Pockets. Kindaichi and Kunimi were both at Kindaichi's house so they took the rest.

That left exactly two hundred Hot Pockets to throw at Kyoutani's house, and so they did. Use your imagination.


End file.
